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Category: Spoof

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GUARDIAN: Democrats set new deadline for release of Trump tax returns

MAYOR OF DRUMNADROCHIT SETS NEW DEADLINE FOR UNVEILING OF NESSIE

The Mayor of Drumnadrochit caused confusion at Holyrood yesterday when she sent a request to the LNMO (Loch Ness Monster’s Office) demanding that Nessie reveal herself to the general public on, or before, Tuesday 23rd April. Some have said the alarm felt by some MSPs is an “over-reaction” – but to be fair, the primary method for contacting the LMNO is of course a written letter stuffed into a corked, glass bottle and thrown as far as possible into Loch Ness – so it was always going to make waves.

The notoriously camera-shy Loch Ness Monster, affectionately known as Nessie, has always shunned ANY public appearance whatsoever, citing some lame excuse about contractual obligations to the BBC to stay out of sight to avoid contradicting the once-popular children’s TV show, Family Ness. When asked if Nessie could be released from said contract, a spokesperson for the BBC, Boris Johnson, claimed: “I haven’t the foggiest idea what you’re talking about”. Many take this as confirmation that the BBC does not intend to pursue legal action if Nessie were to make a public appearance, roughly some 35 years after the show was axed. Thus Nessie is free to appear if she so chooses, but still declines to do so.

This is the first major action for the Mayor of Drumnadrochit since she defected from the USA last month. Stateside, she had been heavily involved with trying to force President Trump to release his tax returns, but she moved to Scotland to “pursue more realistic goals”. Nessie’s lack of appearance is a political hot potato, as locals see her as a boost to tourism, but consecutive no-shows have given rise to the movement calling themselves “Concern Unto Nessie Truth”, which advocates that the whole thing is a myth. When the Mayor’s office was asked to respond to claims she didn’t exist, they brusquely replied “Of course the Mayor of Drumnadrochit exists”. This confused statement may have been responding to claims that an internet website made up the role of Mayor of Drumnadrochit for the benefit of any readers outside of Scotland, as they probably wouldn’t know what a Lord Provost was. When asked what other goals she had that she felt were more realistic than Trump releasing his tax returns, the Mayor cited many ambitions, including Scotland winning the World Cup, and making a success of Brexit.

The main complaint from the Mayor’s detractors is the futility in making a demand for something that will obviously never happen. “This demand is a horrendous waste of taxpayer’s money” complained Chris Grayling. Others have piled on the criticism. One Detective Inspector Crabbe called it “pie in the sky”, while a well-known children’s entertainer, whose name we can only give as Peppa, said the Mayor was “making a pig’s ear out of the whole thing”. Scottish commentators have also leapt to Nessie’s defence, with Oor Wullie calling it a “bucket of nonsense” and Alex Salmond labelling it “harassment”. (We’ve got loads of these). “I’m not sure why this is news.” admitted one editor. “What is the point in demanding something you know you are not going to get?”